Have you considered all your options?

I could feel a coldness that had nothing to do with the thermostat. From the moment we entered the office, it was a stiff and sterile white place. But it was more than just a color vibe. We both felt it. The place you find out the worst news and go have your problem “dealt with”.
We were ushered into the Genetic Counselor’s office where she asked us every possible question – and I mean every. When I thought my pregnant brain could stand no more, she said we were finished and we found ourselves back in the waiting room. A woman in a lab coat appeared and said she was the ultrasound tech and to follow her.
As I was prepped for the ultrasound, I was relieved to at least know this process well and began to relax.
Right up until the tech began making comments.
Things like “Are you sure your dates are right?” and “You really tested negative for gestational diabetes?” I did my best to keep my sarcasm under control, but I wanted to say something to the effect of “Listen sweetheart. I know that I know that I know my dates are right. I know my body. I can give you the date of my exam and the exact date of my missed period. Any questions?! Good.” But I let it come out more of a joke that yes I most assuredly knew my dates and haha wasn’t it funny to find out I’m pregnant right after my yearly exam.
After the tech was finished, we waited for what seemed like an eternity until the doctor came in. She drew in colorful diagrams on a white board how our son has these foreign sounding diagnoses because of his brain and that he might not be able to run or play football and that he would likely have developmental if not mental delays. And have you considered all your ‘options’?
When she asked us that question, the fog of medical terms cleared as I let her know in no uncertain terms that our only ‘option’ was to welcome this baby into our family. My body was shaking with barely controlled rage that someone would dare ask me if I wanted to get rid of our child who may not be perfect and may have special needs.
Today, January 22, 2013, is the 40th anniversary of Roe vs Wade. It is also his fourth birthday.
He is the life of our family. He runs and plays, drives his trucks, plays with Legos, pretends with his two siblings and loves to wrap his little arms around my neck and remind me that he loves me. So much.
God has truly given us a gift as his name says.
Jonathan Michael, I pray that you will always sing “My God is so big, so strong and so mighty! There is nothing my God cannot do!”

Greatest Gift Ever!

The other day, my little girl looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, why did Jesus have to come as a baby?" My heart did a little jump. I live for these moments! I talk and teach, but I know it is only when she asks the questions that are on her heart that she truly learns.

The question comes from the child who knows the Story in detail and is a "know it all" rather like her mother was at her age. Instinctively, I knew there was more to this question than just her words. She is trying to mesh what she hears at school and what she hears at church and what she knows we believe.

So, I asked her what babies can do. We talked about how babies can do nothing for themselves and need their moms for their very life. I then asked her what Jesus can do. She smiled and told me how there isn't anything He can't do, that He said words and the earth began. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I was reminded again of His great sacrifice - leaving Heaven and ultimate power and glory for the dirt of our world, to have to have His diapers changed, to need His mother for His very sustenance.

As we talked, her blue eyes became thoughtful. She turned over in her mind the idea that He had everything and He gave it all up to be a baby. I asked her what happened when He grew up. She told me how He would become a man who would die on the cross for our sin. I cupped her face in my hands when I asked her why could He die for our sin but not anyone else? Her eyes grew large as she answered - because only He was perfect. He never ever sinned. Never disobeyed His mom. Never fought with His brother. I smiled.

She's understanding. She's putting it together. She's seeing beyond the Santa and Rudolph to the precious reality of the Greatest Gift Ever!

But she doesn't know that she's given her mommy the greatest gift ever - the privilege to speak answers to her questions and in the process remind myself that He gave up Heaven to save me. Me - the no good sinner who hated Him. Oh how He loves me!

My challenge today? To be still and remember His gift when the craziness swirls most.

Friend Time

There was once a little baby girl.
She was born with a propensity for driving her mother crazy. Cooperating on any level - even as a baby - was not in her plans. A 5 minute scream-fest was a regular occurance at naptime, and if you interrupted that process, sleep would be exponentially slower. My dreams of her nursing were quickly extinguished when she figured out that she didn't have to work hard to eat - she could just have a bottle.

This little baby would look at her daddy and he would melt under those saucer-like sky blue eyes. She would smile and the world seemed to offer itself to her on a silver platter. Her grandma would just about jump through a fiery hoop to get her to laugh.

As this baby's mommy, I felt such disappointment. She didn't seem to need me. At all. My previous occupation of 2nd Grade Teacher began to glow rosy as all things do when you're looking back. It just didn't seem like my job as Mommy was necessary.

Then one day, after a particularly painful and exhausting morning, her wise daddy told me to go rest on the couch. He calmed the baby girl and then brought her to me. I almost refused, but he gently insisted and called it Friend Time. He told me there's no training to be done right now. All I need to do is love and snuggle her. That was the singularly most important moment of her baby-years.

That little baby girl is now my tall athletic can-run-as-fast-as-the-boys yet primp as she dresses in her princess gown for the ball. I've come to understand a whole lot in the 6 almost 7 years of having this Mommy job. We still have Friend Time, this little girl and me. She comes looking for me Saturday mornings while still in her jammies. I wait for her in bed knowing. I hear her quiet, "Mommy, can I snuggle with you?" and I smile. Remembering.

This little girl who is my chapter-book-reading-first-grader and like her mommy gets herself in trouble when she envelopes herself in a book is so much like me that it is hard to encourage her in the good things because the faults are all too visible to me. 

I had spent so much time trying to exert my will over hers and train her that I felt disconnected from her when she showed none of the responses I was expecting. Instead of focusing on her quirky personality and loving her because of it (sometimes inspite of it), I was trying to change her.

I wish I could truthfully write that I've come to accept her for who she is and that I encourage her in every way while giving grace in her faults. I'm learning every day what it means to be her mommy and train her to love God above all else. I love that every day is a new day full of grace.