Facebook. I never dreamed it would become such a crutch in my life.
It can be so useful and helpful... keeping in touch with dormmates and roommates (not to mention extended family) across the globe. Who is getting married... who is having a baby... who is trudging through a rough time... what God is doing... a funny from a little boy... praying for those weeping over a loss... a little girl and her pretty dress... all of these are amazing effects of an amazing bit of technology.
But how did it come to replace true friendships.
I find myself feeling the ache. Missing the camaraderie of a phone call... hearing the person's voice. I now have to settle for seeing words on a screen.
Gut honesty? I compulsively check who liked my status, feeling better about my day the more people there are. Silly, huh? Yeah and slightly pathetic.
I don't want to sound needy. No one really wants a friend long term who sucks the life right out of you with complaints and "tears on the shoulder" all the time. A friend listens and asks and doesn't thoughtlessly pour out, but what do you do when you feel like the seams that hold you together just won't take one more day of stuffing it all in.
I have fought the looping tape in my head that says I'm just not worth friendship and tried to count gifts in the ugly moments. Snowflakes swirling outside when the kids are swirling inside on a snow day. The giggle of a little boy, tickling his tummy, cradling him as his eyes close... even when nothing (absolutely nothing) got checked off on my list.
I want to believe that I'm okay with who I am and what I do everyday, but that horrid four letter word aims for my heart, FAIL, it labels me. Over and over.
I fight that too. I used to believe it because it seemed logical, but once I began to recite the Truth over and over - I could see it for what it was: a lie. Failing is something that I do. Sometimes. It is not who I am.
The Truth? I am loved. I am made new. My ugly old self who loves to control is gone and He has given me grace. I deserved none of it! That's why it's Grace.
If I could, I would bubble wrap my heart with grace so I would never forget what it feels like and how God sees me. Completely covered in His perfection.
My crazy children don't allow me to simply be still and reflect often but that's what I must do all the time - somehow.
I have to see grace covering every little thing... even the ugly. Even Facebook. It is grace to me. But it is not a substitute for "feeling good about myself" in other people's eyes.
The only Person who I must see myself through is Jesus.
The culmination of this begs one very important question: Whatcha gon do 'bout it?
The last few weeks, I've tossed around an idea that will help my heart see and feel the grace that I know is there. It may seem legalistic to some but that's okay. :) I know God is asking this of me.
I will spend time looking through His eyes first before I spend any time seeing through anyone else's. No Facebook (or Pintrest or anything else) until I sit myself down at His feet and am reminded of who I am: a daughter of the King of Kings covered in His rich robes of grace.
As I put one foot forward in this dance, thank you for this little space and for honesty. :)