My Absolute Worst Fear

I have a lot of fears. 

Someone taking one of my children (kidnapping/sex trafficking)... someone robbing them of their innocence while at a friends house... a fatal car accident while Mike is driving with all the kids and I'm the only one left or worse yet... Mike having an accident that puts me in single parent mode forever (I'd make a HORRID single parent - like I'd screw them up completely.) 

See? I told you. And that's only the few related to our little family. Trust me there's more; which begs a few questions: why do your children get on a school bus each morning? Why do they go to a friends house to play? How can you let your husband pull out of the driveway with all of your children in the backseat? What if... what IF you get that phone call from some random police officer telling you that they think they found your husbands car and all the car seats are filled but no one appears to be responding? 

How?! I trust Him... and He is g o o d. It may sound cliche but it's true. I cannot trust in the safety of our vehicles, the moral values of other families, the knowledge and quick-thinking of teachers or bus drivers, or even (as good at it is) the driving skills of my wonderful husband. I must trust my all-knowing, all-powerful God. I fight to keep that in my thoughts as I hear the news and horrors like Sandy Hook and sex-trafficking stats for the Super Bowl. Even as the FBI made that daring rescue of those 16 children and some 45 women during the Super Bowl, the danger IS real and each one of those scarred women and children has a name... and one could have been my beautiful daughter. It seems logical (at least to me) that since I have no real control over what calamities befall our family, I'm left needing desperately to trust in a good God who works all things for my good - His glory. 

But...

What about the things I CAN control? Somehow those things don't make my desperation list. Things like: writing, staying fit, time management, not yelling at my children... things I am continually working on. But I've realized lately,  I've got this idea that since "I" am somehow working on them, I don't really need to trust Him with them. 

Screwed up, I know. 

Another thought hit me right about when that one did: what if someone who knows me started reading my little blog? This person could be my neighbor or friend or family member... someone who knows me outside of this online place. Would they have an "ah-ha!" moment seeing the words I'm writing lived out in my life or would they say "Her writing is pretty good if you don't know her." 

I love to craft words so that the reader feels the irony or their heart wrenches with emotion or they find themselves bust out laughing at the humor of a situation. But that idea of my writing not matching my life to the point of someone being completely turned off to the Truth I treasure... well, it just freaks me out. I've even let that fear be the reason to quit trying. It's very hard to believe that I have something unique to say about, well, anything. 

Trust me, if you take a look at the archives, there are articles about Kony2012 and the 2012 election and many others. I have lots of opinions about everything from the State of the Union debacle, to the current boycott of Girl Scout cookies, to being a mom and making a difference in the world by doing the next load of laundry. But so does e v e r y b o d y else and their grandmother. 

This is where the trust thing comes in. I must trust Him still. Even in the things it appears I can control - because let's be honest... who can control time management when your preschooler decides to take grapes and bounce them all over the floor while laughing hysterically and when they squish? Well, suffice it to say, he laughed so hard he couldn't breathe. Yeah. My little plan of doing this thing then and getting that done now... not happening. Or staying fit when one of the children's very-deserved consequences inconveniences me. 

I must trust Him that He has given me this desire to write and ask Him to show me what to say. Using the gifts He has given me IS a way to bring Him glory. But I must keep myself face down in His presence knowing how easy it is to get full of myself and negate the very Truth I treasure. 

I guess fear isn't such a bad thing if we take the time to dig through the why and come face-to-face with the Who at the end. 

How about you?  Let's chat!! 

What fears do you need to dig through to find the why and see the Who? :)

Have you considered all your options?

I could feel a coldness that had nothing to do with the thermostat. From the moment we entered the office, it was a stiff and sterile white place. But it was more than just a color vibe. We both felt it. The place you find out the worst news and go have your problem “dealt with”.
We were ushered into the Genetic Counselor’s office where she asked us every possible question – and I mean every. When I thought my pregnant brain could stand no more, she said we were finished and we found ourselves back in the waiting room. A woman in a lab coat appeared and said she was the ultrasound tech and to follow her.
As I was prepped for the ultrasound, I was relieved to at least know this process well and began to relax.
Right up until the tech began making comments.
Things like “Are you sure your dates are right?” and “You really tested negative for gestational diabetes?” I did my best to keep my sarcasm under control, but I wanted to say something to the effect of “Listen sweetheart. I know that I know that I know my dates are right. I know my body. I can give you the date of my exam and the exact date of my missed period. Any questions?! Good.” But I let it come out more of a joke that yes I most assuredly knew my dates and haha wasn’t it funny to find out I’m pregnant right after my yearly exam.
After the tech was finished, we waited for what seemed like an eternity until the doctor came in. She drew in colorful diagrams on a white board how our son has these foreign sounding diagnoses because of his brain and that he might not be able to run or play football and that he would likely have developmental if not mental delays. And have you considered all your ‘options’?
When she asked us that question, the fog of medical terms cleared as I let her know in no uncertain terms that our only ‘option’ was to welcome this baby into our family. My body was shaking with barely controlled rage that someone would dare ask me if I wanted to get rid of our child who may not be perfect and may have special needs.
Today, January 22, 2013, is the 40th anniversary of Roe vs Wade. It is also his fourth birthday.
He is the life of our family. He runs and plays, drives his trucks, plays with Legos, pretends with his two siblings and loves to wrap his little arms around my neck and remind me that he loves me. So much.
God has truly given us a gift as his name says.
Jonathan Michael, I pray that you will always sing “My God is so big, so strong and so mighty! There is nothing my God cannot do!”

I'm sorry, Hannah!

I had a “Whoa, I had no idea THAT’S in there!!” moment in church a couple weeks ago.

We love our church!! Harvest Bible Chapel – West Olive. It has been an amazing place of growth and unity for us. Ken Gentzler proclaims God’s Word with a precision balance of grace and truth, his latest series being Vertical Church.

As I mentioned, two weeks ago Ken was talking about “An EpicFailure – 1 Samuel 2:12 – 4:22”. Digging into the question of What causesthe glory of God to depart? which when it happens, leaves a horizontal church void of vertical-ness. Showcasing the life of High Priest Eli and his sons Hophni and Phinehas, Ken showed how there was unscrupulous leadership, unbridled defiance, unacceptable priorities, unspoken Truth, unrestrained sin, and unreal commitment culminating with the birth of Ichabod which means “the glory is gone”.

In the middle of the description, list really, of Eli’s sons’ grotesque sins against God and the people of Israel are four verses which seem to interrupt the narrative.

“Samuel was ministering before the LORD, a boy clothed with a linen ephod. And his mother used to make for him a little robe and take it to him each year when she went up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice. Then Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife and say, “May the LORD give you children by this woman for the petition she asked of the LORD.” So then they would return to their home. Indeed the LORD visited Hannah and she conceived and bore three sons and two daughters. And the boy Samuel grew in the presence of the LORD.”

I felt like a load of bricks slammed into my chest when I realized the reality of this verse for a mother. Hannah literally cried and prayed for this little boy, Samuel. She begged God to give her a son and promised to give him back to serve Him. When he was weaned, she brought little Samuel to Shiloh.

And.   Left.  Him. There.

With a High Priest who couldn’t even control his own two sons… with two worthless men who were horrible examples to have a little boy follow and emulate… Hannah trusted God.  Period.  She believed that God would protect her precious prayed-for son even as she fulfilled her heart-wrenching vow.

I used to think that she was just desperate. (Forgive my ignorance!) I’ve never felt the desperation that comes with not being able to have children. I have felt desperation about other things, just not in this way. I do know that desperate women will promise desperate things. So I figured, she gave whatever she had to so she could have a baby boy. When it came time and he was weaned, I imagine her shoulders heaved and tears flowed freely as she turned and walked away leaving her one and only son for the first time knowing she would not see him for an entire year. 

That’s the part I can’t imagine. Leaving my sweet little boy.

But she didn’t really leave him. She left her Samuel safe in God’s care – in the middle of wolves decked out in sheep’s clothing. She trusted Him with her most treasured blessing.

The first implication that SHOUTS to me is the decision parents make regarding their child’s education. No matter the decision, a parent must still leave their child in God’s care. They are still walking in the middle of wolves. Whether it’s the halls of a school or the sidewalk of their neighborhood, they desperately need God to protect their minds as they process the world around them.

The second implication cries out pleading: TRUST Him and PRAY for your children wherever they are educated. When you have moments with them, look for teachable moments… just live and point them to Jesus even in your failures. Pray over them. Pray for them. Pray for the adults who have influence in their lives. Pray that God will give them what they need in the moment. Pray. Pray. Pray.

If you were to see my sermon notes, they are copious until verse 25. After that, I got lost in Hannah’s mind and heart.

Doesn’t this world seem so impenetrably dark? Worthless men and unscrupulous leadership lurk everywhere?  Unbridled defiance oozes from young people.

Well, there’s hope peeking out from this passage.

Sandwiched between “17 Thus the sin of the young men was very great in the sight of the LORD, for the men treated the offering of the LORD with contempt” and “22 Now Eli was very old, and he kept hearing all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who were serving at the entrance to the tent of meeting” is the reminder that God is at work.

“21 …And the boy Samuel grew in the presence of the LORD”

God is at work! Darkness is as light to Him. Even with worthless men and defiant young people, He is still placing fathers and mothers, sons and daughters for such a time as this. He is at work in our schools, our neighborhoods, our state, and – even – especially – our government.

We must teach our children with our lives.

Trust Him. Period.

Pray! Pray! Pray!

So, my dear Hannah,

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for seeing you as a desperate woman who would do whatever necessary to fulfill her desire. You were desperate for God to intervene and to see Him act on your behalf. You had to have seen the worthless behavior of the priests who were supposed to be leading you. How amazing that it would be your son to eventually take their place as leader of the people. Thank you for your example: trusting God with your precious little boy.

A strong woman knows she must be desperate for God to be her strength.

Are you desperate for God to be your strength? Do you think “I know who my kids are playing with so I’m good”? Do you try to control who teaches your child in hopes of protecting your child from bad influences? Do you pray for your child – every single day? Do they know that you trust Him and your strength is found only in Him?

I’m following Hannah’s lead.

Where is God?!

A helicopter was just shot down in Syria.

The Taliban beheads 17 people for having a party.

Tropical storm Isaac is to hit Florida anytime.

The Republican Convention is delayed.

The GOP is worried that momentum will be lost.

The body of a Navy Seal is brought home to rest in Michigan.

Japan is dealing with tsunami warnings.

These are just a few of the things I just watched – courtesyof Mhz Worldview on PBS. (I find it refreshing to have a native reporter give the news of their country; not to mention hearing news that doesn’t just involve our little nation.)

Don’t get me wrong… the 2012 election is much discussed here at the Verkaik dinner table. Fears and concerns regarding where we are and where we are headed courtesy of the current administration added to the frustration of not being able to truly vote our conscience and we are left wondering: What can we really do?

Storms and natural disasters rampant, death-tolls high. Haiti, El Salvador, Japan… many more.

Wars. Unjust governments. Evil men.

It begs the question: Where is God?!

He's not far. He is there, holding the hand of the widow as her husband is washed away in the floodwaters. He is cradling the child as he finds out his parents were shot in the street-fighting. He is riding in the car with the family of the fallen soldier as the street is jammed with flags and people saluting.

He is not powerless but personal.

I will not give you a theological treatise on the sovereignty of God, but I can say from personal experience that the awful things that happen to you are not because God is far from you.

I know.

He is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those crushed in spirit. He is holding you even when you think He’s abandoned you.

I have no idea what is in store for our country. I want to blow a whistle and scream for the whole world to cease fighting and bickering. I want to take all the bombs away and put the bad guys in time-out. I wish I could fly around like Superman and prevent every disaster. 

But I can’t.

I must trust my all-powerful, all-knowing PERSONAL Abba God, Yahweh.

Join me?